The Perfect Tree (a fairy tale).

Mrs. Daylily's daughter will be getting married in her backyard next summer. Mrs. Daylily thinks, "I must block the view of my neighbor's ugly above ground swimming pool." She drives to the nursery and says to Mr. Spade, the salesperson, "I need a tree that grows extremely fast. I'm in hurry."

"Extremely fast, you say?" Mr. Spade replies. "How about any of these: Poplar, Willow, Tree of Heaven, Silver Maple, Mulberry, Honey Locust, Black Walnut."

"I hate those trees! Why would you even suggest them?" Mrs. Daylily retorts.

"Ma'am, I'm confused, you asked for "extremely fast" growing trees."

"OK, what's the fastest growing tree you have that's not messy."

"Messy?"

"You know, trees that have seeds, or nuts, or berries or any fruit that falls on my driveway or attracts birds. Oh, and trees that drop a lot of twigs and branches or too many leaves during the summer, none of that."

"Anything else?"

"Yes, bugs. Some trees attract bugs, anything that crawls or flies. I can't deal with bugs in my trees."

"I see," says Mr. Spade, wishing he could help, but his hands are tied. "Perhaps you have come to the wrong store?

Mrs. Daylily, glancing over her shoulder, says, "You do sell trees here, right?"

"We do."

"How about that one?  How fast does it grow?" Mrs. Daylily points to a handsome white oak.

"Maybe 12" or less per year, after it's been in the ground for about three years."

"Forget it. Tell me about that one over there."

"Sugar maple? Beautiful tree. Grows maybe 13" - 24" inches per year once it gets going."

"Meh," Mrs. Daylily shrugs.  "Can't we do better?"

"How about white pine, our native state tree. Can put on 25" in a good season."

"Bingo! That's what I'm talking about! I'll plant it right on the property line."

"Oh. Are there utility lines overhead?"

"Yes but white pines won't grow that tall, right?"

"Wrong. In less than ten years the power company will come by and cut down your tree."

"They can't do that! It's my property!"

"They have legal domain."

"I'll sue them."

"You'll lose. Many before you have tried. All have failed. It's a matter of public safety."

"Fine. Now what do you suggest?"

"How about some nice shrubs?"

"Oh I don't have time for all that work."

"Work?"

"Trimming, shaping, you know."

"Ma'am, shrubs are very low maintenance, unless you're shaping them into elephants and ballerinas."

"But my neighbor has yews and she's out there all summer with her hedge clippers. She said they'll grow out of control if she doesn't clip them once a month."

"It's not as if her yews are going to grow through her bedroom window and strangle her while she sleeps. She could do a light pruning every few years or none at all if she chooses."

"Oh. Well I do rather like those arbor-vy-tee-AHS." 

"You mean arborVYTEES? Also known as Thuja."

"Those. How fast do they grow?"

"We have a very nice cultivar of Thuja occidentalis called 'Smaragd'.   It grows about 6" to 9" per year, and not more than 15' tall. Think of it as a small tree if you like."

Mrs. Daylily sighs. "I suppose I can live with that. I'll take three."

"Very good, ma'am, I'm glad you've made a decision."

Mr. Spade assists Mrs. Daylily in selecting three healthy specimens. They load them into wagons and wheel them to the cashier.

"Thank you so much for your help, Mr. Spade," Mrs. Daylily says.

"You're welcome," replies Mr. Spade.

"I do have one more question."

"Yes?"

"What time of year does this little tree flower?"

Mr. Spade gives Mrs. Daylily a curious look. "When did you say your daughter's wedding is?"

"Next June 25th."

"Then I'm sure your trees will begin blooming on June 24th."

"Perfect," Mrs. Daylily replies. "And will the flowers be pink? My daughter's having a pink wedding, you see."

"Oh, the most beautiful shade of pink, like nothing you've ever seen."

"And the smell? Sweet but not too sweet I hope. I get a headache otherwise."

"The odor is a delicate balance of light vanilla and lemon. Just the right scent to the most delicate of noses."

"This is wonderful," Mrs. Daylily says, grinning from ear to ear. "It's almost as if I've invented the perfect tree."

"Yes," Mr. Spade says before returning to his work, "It's exactly like that."

Stop Wasting Paper and Become a Better Gardener

River Birch (Betula nigra)

This winter:

A couple of weeks ago some architectural stuff was torn from the roof of my house by cascading ice. Said stuff (dangerously heavy) rocketed through a kitchen window, unleashing an explosion of broken glass. Everywhere. 

I discovered a twenty-foot section of rain gutter dangling by a thread after heavy snow had pulled the gutter's support screws from the overhang.  

The door to the chicken pen was frozen shut. I had to take the whole thing off its hinges to let the hens out that morning.

Etc.

Cattail Flower in Winter

But it is nearing the end of February, when our hopes stir again for what we will make of the 2013 gardening season. Or more accurately what the 2013 gardening season will make of us.

First, seed companies unleash truckloads of paper catalogues beginning the day after Christmas. I've mostly gotten off their mailing lists. If I need pictures the internet works fine, and that's where I order my seeds anyway. Honestly when Saturday mail deliveries cease this summer I'll rejoice in one less day of junk.

Next comes the deluge of emails and invites offering gardening classes, workshops, symposiums, conferences and lectures. The best of these presentations bring together urgent environmental concerns, aesthetics and practical knowledge (Doug Tallamy and William Collina come to mind); the worst of them show a slide set of 50 new varieties of annuals and read aloud from their handout. No intelligent gardener should have to pay a $65.00 fee for a list she can get for free, and then read it quietly to herself.

Ice Crystals in Little Deer Creek

Sidebar:

Speaking of handouts, what is it with audiences and piles of paper? Historically, when exactly did the handout become a binding agreement between the speaker and the listener? For twelve years I've been fighting this assumption, that a lecturer owes his audience a handout. 

Most handouts are glanced at and then tossed in the trash. This is an area of waste that garden speakers (and their audiences) ought to be more responsible about. I purposefully limit my presentations to a page or two whenever I can. If I'm feeling radical I'll forgo supplying a handout to my audience, but I'm guaranteed to receive a few complaints. 

(Please don't be one of those types. You can easily get these things called pens, which you can write on with something called paper, both of which can be conveniently carried into the presentation in something called a purse or a pocket.)

Red Twig Dogwood (Cornus sericea) 

Anyway.

Another opportunity for restless gardeners in mid to late winter is volunteering. Many nature centers and botanical gardens are in great need of help at this time of year. I belong to an organization called CFI. Last spring our service committee helped Blandford Nature Center plant hundreds of native shrubs. This March we'll be assisting Blandford with its annual Sugarbush Festival--tapping the Sugar Maples and making syrup.

It's too early to dig, but there's plenty of time before planting season begins to teach yourself, and others, new ways to think about gardening.